Reframing ADHD and "Self-sabotage"

The rampant claim that people who have ADHD are “good at self-sabotage” is actively harmful and counterproductive to people who have ADHD. In this post, I explain the mechanism for this harm, and why reframing our language is so key.

The connotation of the “self-sabotage” label is stigmatizing specifically through blaming and shaming. The parasympathetic nervous system interprets the feeling of shame as an indicator of a dangerous threat, and triggers our fight/flight/freeze mode.*

The neurobiology of ADHD means that we are equipped with very reactive nervous systems that enable us to quickly and easily access our survival skills. Our nervous systems are primed to be particularly vigilant for threats to our survival and the survival of our communities. This type of nervous system is why people who have ADHD tend to be excellent in an acute crisis, and why we tend to use coping strategies that simulate crisis, e.g. procrastinating until last-minute deadline-induced stress kicks in.

A way to reframe “self-sabotaging” behaviour in a more neutral way is: the use survival skills in environments that are safe - that is, in environments that don’t contain true threats to our survival. We use survival skills in situations where our survival isn’t actually at stake when our nervous system nonetheless interprets the environment as threatening.

Since feeling shame actually triggers fight/flight/freeze mode, shaming language serves to reinforce the use of survival skills. Actively choosing value-neutral language over shaming language is key to moving out of survival mode, because our nervous systems can effectively adapt to a safe environment when we no longer feel shame.

Reframing enables us to focus on developing /supportive/ resources within ourselves and our communities that convey safety to our nervous systems, so that we can effectively adapt our capacity to thrive, not just survive.

*See:

Shame and the Vestigial Midbrain Urge to Withdraw

Shame is a Protective Response

The Neuroscience of Shame

Reframing ADHD and "Executive Dysfunction"

If you’ve read any literature, articles, or come across memes about ADHD, you have probably seen the terms “Executive Function” and/or “Executive Dysfunction” pop up many times. Specifically, you likely would have come across explanations from experts in the fields of psychology, psychiatry, and ADHD Coaching claiming that people who have ADHD suffer from “deficits” or “challenges” when it comes to Executive Function.

But Executive Function is not the end-all be-all that many would have you believe, even (perhaps especially!) when you have ADHD.

You might be wondering why on earth I, particularly as an ADHD Coach, would make that claim. After all, many in the field of ADHD Coaching have plastered all of their websites that they work with people who have Executive Function “deficits.” It probably would help my SEO if I were to add that to this website.

However, there is something really important missing from the mainstream analysis about Executive Function.

WTF is Executive Function, anyway?

Simply stated, Executive Function (EF) is a construct. That means that EF exists because people agree that it exists, and not because it is part of some sort of objective reality; this doesn’t mean EF isn’t “real,” but it is subjective and changeable. Other notable examples of constructs are the concept of money, the invisible borders of nation-states, and the social construct of race. Executive Function is a particularly subjective construct, however: there is no consensus as to a definition for Executive Function in either the literature about ADHD and EF, nor among “experts” in general.

Therefore, it has never made sense to me to be told that we ADHD-ers have Executive Function “deficits,” given that there isn’t even an agreed-upon definition for it. Moreover, the level of importance assigned to Executive Function within mainstream society is often biased and discriminatory.

My perspective: “Executive Function” CAN be a potentially useful conceptual framework for those of us with ADHD when it is clearly defined and its limits are acknowledged, AND when it is not used as yet another way to make people with ADHD feel bad about who we are and how we do or don’t do things.

Defining and Reframing Executive Function

In my own practice, I use a conceptual framework that is essentially a modified version of the Thomas Brown Model of ADHD, which defines EF with the following components:

Activation
organizing, estimating time, prioritizing, getting started on tasks

Focus
focusing, sustaining focus, shifting focus between tasks

Effort
processing speed, regulating alertness, sustaining effort

Emotion
managing frustration and modulating emotions

Memory
utilizing working memory and accessing recall

Action
monitoring and regulating self-action

Instead of using language like “deficit” or “dysfunction,” I use language like “internal vs. external” to describe the differing ways that ADHDers and neurotypical people engage in Executive Function. I’ve come to think of it this way: neurotypical people tend to engage in the components of Executive Function internally, almost at the level of intuition or instinct.

Those of us who have ADHD don’t usually engage in all components of Executive Function in an internal or automatic way because our minds prefer to internally engage in other things; for example, we tend to have many threads of thought going on at once, we are good in an acute crisis, and we are often highly creative. Unsurprisingly, many of the activities included in descriptions of “executive function” — e.g. organizing, estimating time, planning, getting started on tasks, sustaining focus, emotion regulation, working memory — are considered essential for “success” in a societal structure akin to late capitalism.

But guess what?! We don’t actually NEED an internalized Executive Function, because there are plenty of strategies out there to externalize the components of Executive Function that will actually work for us. Once we externalize EF, we unburden ourselves from the heavy pressure put upon us, both by others and ourselves, to /internally/carry out “Executive Function.”

This frees up our internal bandwidth, so that we can engage in more interesting “functions,” such as creativity, introspection, and otherwise making our day-to-day lives more meaningful.

How ADHDers can externalize Executive Function

Below are some examples of externalizing Executive Function:

- Checklists for e.g. morning/evening routines, travel packing lists
- Establishing certain rituals that help you “work up” to doing a particular type of task
- Using whiteboards and different colours of whiteboard markers to colour code and highlight different types of information.
- Highly visible wall calendars/schedules
- Journaling
- Putting important agreements with your partner in writing, so that you’re both on the same page and can reference or reread it to jog your memory, etc.
- Setting multiple alarms that use different types of feedback (auditory vs. vibration vs. visual) as reminders to yourself
- Fidgeting to Focus

Bear in mind that the effectiveness of any given strategy will depend on certain factors, such as how you best process information. The foundational assessments that I use with my coaching clients help us zero in on the strategies that are most likely to be effective for them as individuals.

When you have ADHD, Action begets Motivation rather than the other way around.

Action begets motivation, rather than the other way around.

Wait. Really?! 🤔

This statement hit me like a ton of bricks, when I first heard it a few years ago from an instructor at my ADHD coach training program. For the vast majority of my life, I had lived with untreated, undiagnosed ADHD; I wholeheartedly believed that I HAD to feel motivated in order to do something well. Not only that, but I believed that I would almost certainly royally fuck up if I tried to do something when I didn’t “feel like it.” This belief meant that I didn’t do many of the things that I wanted to do with my life. It led to giving up on pursuing many of my goals and dreams that might otherwise have been feasible.

In retrospect, the entire trajectory of my life had shaped by this utterly perfect shitstorm of belief and biology. After my ADHD diagnosis at the age of 32, I learned about the neurobiology of ADHD and that I had chronically low access to dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with motivation. Gradually I came to accept that letting go of the belief I held that feeling motivated was necessary for success was key, particularly if I was ever going to make progress toward the life I wanted to live and the person I wished to be.

Over time, I found a process that has taken me SO much further than my ever-elusive sense of motivation ever did:

1) I got clear on my core values, which was a process in itself (and let me tell you, I was shocked to learn that I hadn’t actually known what my own core values were before that point!),

2) I developed an understanding of how my needs in life are an expression of my values,

3) I consciously developed and implemented certain boundaries with others and myself that would help ensure that my needs were actually met, and
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4) I found ways to connect my core values to how I spend my time and effort on a daily basis.

Interestingly, since I let go of the “need” to feel motivated to successfully pursue an enjoyable and fulfilling life, I have begun to feel motivated a LOT more often.

How to slay the perfectionism monster

I have a confession to make.

My confession is that I have been controlled by debilitating perfectionism (which manifests as “analysis paralysis”) throughout much of my life. This terrorizing monster has stopped me from doing a lot of cool things that I’ve wanted to do with my life; it has not only prevented me from reaching some of my biggest goals, but scared me away from even starting to work toward some of them at all.

Sound familiar to some of you? I thought it might.

Specifically, every day for the past 18 months, I have been so terrified of posting a piece of writing on my own damn website (for all the world to see  - gulp!) that I haven’t done so…

Until now. 

For real, it’s time to slay the monster. Let’s do this.

You might be wondering, what exactly am I afraid of? I recently discovered the answer, thanks to the combination of serious introspection and support from my amazing coach (yes, I have two coaches of my own). I found out that I have a debilitating fear of accidentally committing plagiarism. Yes, you read that correctly.

It took some time during a recent session with my coach to tease out that this specific fear was holding me back. However, once I spoke that fear out loud to someone else, I could tell that I had discovered something absolutely pivotal: I felt with every fibre of my being that THIS was the story I had been telling myself over and over that resulted in being too paralyzed with fear to publish anything.

That is, until now.

You see, as of today, I am officially… *drumroll* a Recovering Perfectionist!

The life-altering risk of attributing significant meaning to random thoughts

Ugh… but why had I become so afraid of accidentally plagiarizing someone else’s work? Finding the answer to this required a bit more digging. 

Eventually I came to the realization that this (intrusive) thought had randomly popped into my head one day, perhaps when I was spacing out while riding the bus or something. Yes, the thought had casually floated into my consciousness, as most of our thoughts do. Once I noticed the thought, I could have responded with:

Huh… well, there’s a random thought that likely has no meaning whatsoever. We all have those sometimes. I’ll just watch it float out of my brain and into oblivion now.

Instead, I did the opposite.

I reacted to this thought by attributing specific meaning to it. I grasped onto that meaning tightly, so the thought couldn’t float away. The meaning I attributed to the thought was an assumption that having the thought at all must indicate that I am more likely than other people to accidentally plagiarize. Ultimately, I didn’t interpret this random thought as just a thought, but a deeper message from The Self.

Because I interpreted this thought as an important message, which would mean that I’m responsible for integrating it into my self-concept, I kept dwelling on it. Eventually, it became an obsession, and I ruminated on it every day.

All the while, I wasn’t consciously aware that this whole thought process was even happening.

Brains can be utterly weird and baffling sometimes.

Upon closer examination, I could see that I had concluded that having the thought in the first place probably ALSO meant that I had already committed plagiarism in the past, and had somehow forgotten about it! After all, I have challenges with working memory due to having ADHD. So, that must mean that I could have forgotten which words were my own and which originated from someone else’s work that I had read at some point a while back... right?!

And what if having that thought meant that I had even intentionally stolen someone else’s words and passed them off as my own at some previous point, and had just chosen to willfully forget about it afterward?

Eeeeek!

My coach joked that I could consider giving a name to the gaslighting asshole who had evidently taken up residence in my brain. Upon reflection, I decided to try actually try that out. For now, I think we’ve settled on “Little OCD Annie.” Indeed, that name is fitting because I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and ADHD. (Speaking of which, watch this space for an upcoming piece about the link between ADHD and OCD.)

By assigning a ridiculous name to the tendency to attribute such negative meaning to random thoughts, I can clearly see that the tendency is not an innate part of who I actually am as a person. In other words: the tendency doesn’t stem from The Self, and I’m not responsible for integrating it into my own self-concept. Rather, the tendency stems from Little OCD Annie, and she’s the devil-child who has been riling me up and making me freeze for decades.

Guess what? Annie is grounded from attributing specific meaning to my thoughts. She’s no longer allowed to wield that kind of authority.

My coach pointed out to me that I have been holding myself to a standard that I do not hold anyone else regarding plagiarism; the outcome of that completely unrealistic standard is that I haven’t shared my thoughts, theories, and ideas here in writing, despite longing to do so… Until now. :)

Experimenting as the antidote to perfectionism

One of the things that comes up regularly with my clients is the value of approaching Stuff (carrying out tasks, building routines, or meeting with a new co-working buddy - you name it) with a mindset of experimentation. When you’ve absorbed insidious societal messages over years and decades that persuade you of your inadequacy, you might understandably cling onto the belief that — maybe one day! — it will all just click. If you can’t figure out how to be neurotypical, one day you’ll discover the secret “hack” that will mean you can avoid negative experiences entirely. Until then, the safest thing to do is to not take action that could expose us to risks or vulnerability.

Actually, NO. We can reduce the pressure on ourselves (and stop holding ourselves back) by recognizing that our remit is experimentation.

This blog is now officially an experiment

Experiments are about exploring. They are about venturing into the unknown, and introducing some novelty into our day-to-day experience. Experimenting is simply a process of discovering what works AND what doesn’t work. When you are conducting an experiment, part of your job is to expect that certain actions you carry out during an experiment won’t “work” as far as proving/disproving a particular hypothesis.

In the context of an experiment, what works and what doesn’t work is value-neutral information. The outcome of the experiment is data that is used to learn — to prove, disprove, or even formulate a hypothesis — rather than to feed the inner bully.

The only way to disprove the intrusive thought (hypothesis) that I will somehow accidentally plagiarize someone when I create and publish content is to…  uh, start experimenting by publishing content.

So, without further ado: here I am, World! And I am so thrilled to be here… I think. *gulp*